I've never been good with titles

You know what's really annoying? Yesterday I had a million and one ideas for blog posts buzzing in my mind but no bloody internet connection (Can you seriously imagine me going 24 hours without internet? Neither can I, not sure how I made it alive) but now that my internet connection is back it's like my mind has been erased. As though my brain is a computer and the person on it decided to wipe the history, removing every little detail I deemed necessary just because some inappropriate thoughts might have been floating up there.

Side Note: I hate that about 

erasing history browser on chrome. 

Like you can't just delete your 

cookies or cache from one 

website it always has to be 

'the past hour' or 'the beginning of time'

(Also keeping with the side note theme ayy)

You could argue that I could have written all these ideas down but I'm the type of person that when the moment is gone it's GONE and even if I have the idea written down to the little witty jokes I'd make in my posts I would still not be bothered to post it because the time I felt like I wanted to post that thing is gone and now I'm rambling and nothing makes sense whatsoever ugh.

One thing that is for certain is that I'm feeling depressed and empty and lonely and all those shitty feelings again woop de doo. I remember thinking yesterday (when I had no internet connection) what idea would be more depressing- 1) Getting my internet back and having no messages whatsoever? 2) Getting my internet back and seeing all the messages I do have are from group chats and no one seems to care that I've been offline for the whole day despite being much more active usually. 

I think that says something about me, if all I wonder is how little people think about me, rather than how much. How do I stop feeling lonely? I don't like it. And I've gone to a ton of my friends about this problem already and the more people I tell the more attention seeking I become but that's exactly what I am ATTENTION SEEKING BECAUSE ATTENTION MEANS IM NOT LONELY AHHH

no but for real the first thing i do when i come on blogger is look at my audience and see how many views i've gotten in the past week lmao pls luv me

I have no idea where this is going so I'm going to end it here, I find it weird how my writing style changed so drastically from quite formal to nah bruh. 

Until next time-

Minoo x

Another set of incoherent thoughts from early hours of the morning

I'm listening to music as I type this so this might come out all fucked up so apologies in advance.

I'm writing a story/book thing. It's basically what I do here. It's a collection of thoughts and rambles and analysing norms but it's a character writing them. I guess in a way I am the character as all the thoughts in this story are my own in some form or another but at the same time it's a fictional character in terms of what happens to them.

Like we have the exact same thoughts but they think these things in relation to events that occur to them which haven't occurred in my life.

I'm contemplating whether to stop playing the music whilst typing but honestly this is fun and is helping me to multi-task.

RANDOM FACT BC OF THE SONG I'M LISTENING TO: THEY WHISPER 'JOE TROHMAN IS LAME' IN DANCE DANCE.

Another random fact: I feel like I've put this in a post before- feeling a ton of deja vu or however you spell that shit. Well I'm about to correct it bc it has the red squiggly line under it.

I AM NOT EVEN IN THE RAMBLING PART I WANT TO BE.

Okay- so basically, recently I have become increasingly worried about my mental health and if I have any mental disorders. The way I've been acting/reacting to several things have struck me as 'abnormal' but I don't know what to do. I have researched as much as I could myself to have some idea of what I may have (may not- could be just going through some rough patch or whatever) but I don't know where to go from here.

I've talked to my mum about the fact I fear my mental health and I want to see a therapist but she
1) makes me talk to her about it which helps, kinda but then she just says im overreacting and stuff and I don't think I am and I need a professionals opinion on this?
2) thinks that I only want to see a therapist because I'm into psychotherapy. Which is kinda true, I mean if I were to ever get therapy there's no harm in  asking how to become a therapist right?

ANYWAY idk how to persuade her to let me go and see a therapist. She knows that I //self-harm// i use that liberally as I do not believe I self-harm despite the fact it's evident I do. It's complicated and I don't want to go into it tbh. As I was saying

She knows I //self-harm// but she says that this is due to my 'anger issues' and not in regards to any form of mental illness/disorders. Now this may be true- I've always been one to get angry quickly and I'd be lying if I didn't say I had no anger issues whatsoever but the fact when I'm angry I inflict pain on myself instead of inanimate objects/ and I do not feel content/comfortable until I have inflicted pain onto myself says something about my mental state right???

Idk if it's because I'm becoming more self aware but I feel like the more I think about this the more my brain tells me that I'm overreacting/being silly and seeking attention despite the fact I have never deliberately told many people this? Well apart from right now but this is more me rambling onto my 'online diary' rather than informing everyone.

Idk my brain's fucked up in some way- I'm like 99% sure of it, I'm just not sure HOW.

Some 4am thoughts.

As I lay on my bed, at precisely 4:43am, feeling too scared to sleep because it's dark and I'm alone and a spider is currently sharing my bedroom with me, emptiness is the only word I can use to describe how I'm feeling right now.

It's like my stomach is this never-ending pit and it won't fill up, but it's not just my stomach but my whole lower abdomen. It feels like nothing is even there, no organs, no emotions, nothing. Even these words feel empty.

I've always wondered why I feel like this at 3am or some variation and I realise it's the only moment when I'm alone. I've talked about feeling alone and/or lonely and how they correspond with one another and which one I find the worse, but I still find more to talk about. Being alone with no noises, apart from the fucking annoying tick tock of my clock and also my own heart beat which can be quite relaxing, makes my mind wonder so far and deep that I feel like I'm drowning in my own thoughts.

Everything about my life turns negative in front of me. Like I'll think of a happy moment and my mind will manifest it until it's a cruel venomous thought spitting in my face. It'll twist my emotions to make me feel like crap and I still don't understand how it does that or why.

An example is I'll be feeling down. Maybe I did shit in a subject. Maybe I had an argument with one of my parents. Maybe a fictional character was killed off. Okay maybe not the last one. Unless they were killed for no good reason and only to fuel man pain because that is the worst shit ever. If you kill off your character (especially if they're female) just so the dude can cry and have all the more reason to fight the bad guys ('YOU KILLED HER I WILL AVENGE HER DEATH WHICH SERVED NO PURPOSE OTHER THAN FOR ME TO SAY THIS') (great example of this btw: Supernatural.) then you suck. I'm getting off the point.

So I'll be feeling shitty. Which is okay. We all feel shitty once in a while. But my mind will tell me that I'm not actually upset. I'm pretending to be upset. I'm only upset for attention, even though sobbing silently whilst listening to fall out boy in attempts to cheer myself up brings me no attention whatsoever, and the weirdest thing is I believe it every single time.

Like I will tell myself "fuck off brain, I just need to cry, stop invalidating my feelings" and my smartass brain will tell me how we're the same fucking thing and I know deep down im not actually upset and i believe it like why. I know I'm upset, I'm fucking crying for goodness sake but I'm still like ???????

Also fictional characters and relationships fuck me up. Because they remind me I don't have that in life. And I get sad.

On a much happier note I have a best friend. She's amazing. The best person to be my friend. She makes me smile whilst making me cry at the same time and I mean cry in a good way like out of happiness or relief or whatever. She makes me laugh as well. Sometimes I think I'm not as good as friend. That she's better off with having someone else as her best friend. But for some reason (and that reason is because she constantly reassures me which is the best thing ever because I need constant reassurance that I'm good enough because my brain likes to tell me that I'm not) my mind can never convince me. Like I always know that we're perfect as best friends. And I just love her so much you know. Like I want to be best friends with her until the day I die. I want to go to her wedding and be her maid of honour. I'd say I want her to be my maid of honour but I have conflicted feelings towards marriage so Idk but if I were to get married then I'd definitely have her as my maid of honour as well. I want to go on holidays with here and visit new places. I want to spend so much time with her that I get fucking bored of her even though I never could because I love her so damn much.

I just really love my best friend. I feel like love is under appreciated when it isn't romantic. Like everyone goes on about the perfect couple. Or soul mates in the romantic sense.

But no she is my soul mate. Probably not romantically. But she definitely is nevertheless. Like a friendship soul mate.

It's 5:05am now which means I spent around 22 minutes writing this. My body doesn't feel as empty. I guess that's a good sign.

Tune in next time when I barf random feelings here. I like doing that. It feels much more better and genuine then when I'd write crap about Poptropica or songs I like.