Some 4am thoughts.

As I lay on my bed, at precisely 4:43am, feeling too scared to sleep because it's dark and I'm alone and a spider is currently sharing my bedroom with me, emptiness is the only word I can use to describe how I'm feeling right now.

It's like my stomach is this never-ending pit and it won't fill up, but it's not just my stomach but my whole lower abdomen. It feels like nothing is even there, no organs, no emotions, nothing. Even these words feel empty.

I've always wondered why I feel like this at 3am or some variation and I realise it's the only moment when I'm alone. I've talked about feeling alone and/or lonely and how they correspond with one another and which one I find the worse, but I still find more to talk about. Being alone with no noises, apart from the fucking annoying tick tock of my clock and also my own heart beat which can be quite relaxing, makes my mind wonder so far and deep that I feel like I'm drowning in my own thoughts.

Everything about my life turns negative in front of me. Like I'll think of a happy moment and my mind will manifest it until it's a cruel venomous thought spitting in my face. It'll twist my emotions to make me feel like crap and I still don't understand how it does that or why.

An example is I'll be feeling down. Maybe I did shit in a subject. Maybe I had an argument with one of my parents. Maybe a fictional character was killed off. Okay maybe not the last one. Unless they were killed for no good reason and only to fuel man pain because that is the worst shit ever. If you kill off your character (especially if they're female) just so the dude can cry and have all the more reason to fight the bad guys ('YOU KILLED HER I WILL AVENGE HER DEATH WHICH SERVED NO PURPOSE OTHER THAN FOR ME TO SAY THIS') (great example of this btw: Supernatural.) then you suck. I'm getting off the point.

So I'll be feeling shitty. Which is okay. We all feel shitty once in a while. But my mind will tell me that I'm not actually upset. I'm pretending to be upset. I'm only upset for attention, even though sobbing silently whilst listening to fall out boy in attempts to cheer myself up brings me no attention whatsoever, and the weirdest thing is I believe it every single time.

Like I will tell myself "fuck off brain, I just need to cry, stop invalidating my feelings" and my smartass brain will tell me how we're the same fucking thing and I know deep down im not actually upset and i believe it like why. I know I'm upset, I'm fucking crying for goodness sake but I'm still like ???????

Also fictional characters and relationships fuck me up. Because they remind me I don't have that in life. And I get sad.

On a much happier note I have a best friend. She's amazing. The best person to be my friend. She makes me smile whilst making me cry at the same time and I mean cry in a good way like out of happiness or relief or whatever. She makes me laugh as well. Sometimes I think I'm not as good as friend. That she's better off with having someone else as her best friend. But for some reason (and that reason is because she constantly reassures me which is the best thing ever because I need constant reassurance that I'm good enough because my brain likes to tell me that I'm not) my mind can never convince me. Like I always know that we're perfect as best friends. And I just love her so much you know. Like I want to be best friends with her until the day I die. I want to go to her wedding and be her maid of honour. I'd say I want her to be my maid of honour but I have conflicted feelings towards marriage so Idk but if I were to get married then I'd definitely have her as my maid of honour as well. I want to go on holidays with here and visit new places. I want to spend so much time with her that I get fucking bored of her even though I never could because I love her so damn much.

I just really love my best friend. I feel like love is under appreciated when it isn't romantic. Like everyone goes on about the perfect couple. Or soul mates in the romantic sense.

But no she is my soul mate. Probably not romantically. But she definitely is nevertheless. Like a friendship soul mate.

It's 5:05am now which means I spent around 22 minutes writing this. My body doesn't feel as empty. I guess that's a good sign.

Tune in next time when I barf random feelings here. I like doing that. It feels much more better and genuine then when I'd write crap about Poptropica or songs I like.