I've never been good with titles

You know what's really annoying? Yesterday I had a million and one ideas for blog posts buzzing in my mind but no bloody internet connection (Can you seriously imagine me going 24 hours without internet? Neither can I, not sure how I made it alive) but now that my internet connection is back it's like my mind has been erased. As though my brain is a computer and the person on it decided to wipe the history, removing every little detail I deemed necessary just because some inappropriate thoughts might have been floating up there.

Side Note: I hate that about 

erasing history browser on chrome. 

Like you can't just delete your 

cookies or cache from one 

website it always has to be 

'the past hour' or 'the beginning of time'

(Also keeping with the side note theme ayy)

You could argue that I could have written all these ideas down but I'm the type of person that when the moment is gone it's GONE and even if I have the idea written down to the little witty jokes I'd make in my posts I would still not be bothered to post it because the time I felt like I wanted to post that thing is gone and now I'm rambling and nothing makes sense whatsoever ugh.

One thing that is for certain is that I'm feeling depressed and empty and lonely and all those shitty feelings again woop de doo. I remember thinking yesterday (when I had no internet connection) what idea would be more depressing- 1) Getting my internet back and having no messages whatsoever? 2) Getting my internet back and seeing all the messages I do have are from group chats and no one seems to care that I've been offline for the whole day despite being much more active usually. 

I think that says something about me, if all I wonder is how little people think about me, rather than how much. How do I stop feeling lonely? I don't like it. And I've gone to a ton of my friends about this problem already and the more people I tell the more attention seeking I become but that's exactly what I am ATTENTION SEEKING BECAUSE ATTENTION MEANS IM NOT LONELY AHHH

no but for real the first thing i do when i come on blogger is look at my audience and see how many views i've gotten in the past week lmao pls luv me

I have no idea where this is going so I'm going to end it here, I find it weird how my writing style changed so drastically from quite formal to nah bruh. 

Until next time-

Minoo x

Seventeen

It is currently 00:28 on Tuesday 12th May 2015 which means I am 17. Or maybe just about to be 17 idk what time i was born. The important thing is it's that it's my birthday but I feel kinda empty this year.

You see I've had my fair share of shitty birthdays. I even made a post about a couple of them which you can go to if you click here. Aside from just shitty birthday parties I've also had plenty of times where most of my friends forgot it was my birthday and I think due to that I've become more forward about when my birthdays are subconsciously. Like I made references to my birthday so much yesterday, mentioning how it's my birthday tomorrow every two seconds. Though I knew I was doing it it wasn't on purpose I just think that perhaps everyone always forgetting makes me want to emphasise it more so people stop forgetting.

It's only been half an hour into my birthday but I expected to have at least one random message to pop up at 12am like 'happy birthday, bet im the first one to say it' or something like that, i guess i wished too hard and thought people cared enough to do that. I also made a post about it on tumblr, I didn't expect much, despite having a decent amount of followers only a couple genuinely interact with me but i thought i'd have a like or two on the post or a little reply saying 'happy birthday' but so far nothing.

It's really quiet, far too quiet and I'm getting those 4am feelings again. They always creep up on you when you least expect it. I hope I don't go through my birthday feeling miserable. It would suck to finally have a year where I have no exams, or stresses on my birthday and people actually remembering it (because I reminded them thoroughly about it yesterday) but to go through to the day feeling like shit because of my unpredictable mind.

I want to stop feeling empty before my feet find their way downstairs and my hands creep into the bread bin and fill my mouth with chocolate and sweets until i feel physically sick but i think that's the only way to make the empty feeling go away. I love how this started about birthdays and turned into my mental state. My brain is just so obsessed with itself god.

Seventeen's a pretty shitty age anyway. It's just that boring gap between 16 and 18 that no one likes. Being 16 was fun. I did quite a lot in that time.

• I started and finished all my GCSE's
• I started sixth form (college)
• I went to Manchester to meet an internet friend
• I made many new friends through sixth form
• I went to my first ever party
• among many other cool things

I mean I have some pretty fun things coming up soon which I guess will be done at the age of 17 such as

• I'm going to see Jack and Dean live
• I'm going camping with my friends
• My friends and I are having a joint may birthday party of sorts since like 5 of us are born in may
• I will be visiting universities (which is scary as fuck so maybe not a fun one)
• Also fun summer stuff with friends like going to each others houses, days out with each other. etc

I feel a little better now. 

-Minoo

Anger.

You may or may not know that for extra curricular classes at my Sixth Form I do creative writing. This week was our first week and what we were told to do was to describe an emotion as if it existed as an object or a person.

I decided to do it based on anger since it's an emotion I feel on a regular basis, and our work in class then inspired me to write a poem based on anger.

Just a word of warning: there is some mention of self harm so if you're uncomfortable or triggered by it then I would advise you not to read onwards.

It starts from the pit of your heart

and spreads to your finger tip and toes

Almost impossible to suppress this emotion

no matter how hard you try,

it always overflows.

I feel so strong yet

simultaneously

weak.

Power surges through me as I feel like I could 

Destroy anyone who comes in my way

but I feel so weak

I am not

powerful

enough to dissolve the anger

and it always results in

me hurting someone

mainly myself.

I hope one day comes

where I can stop this ever growing

tumour of anger

without my fists colliding with my skin

leaving an assortment of marks.

But I do not know

how many more bruises

how many more clusters of purples, blues and reds

will be plastered onto my flesh

before I can finally stop

harming myself.

Forbidden Love

Forbidden love is the worst type of love you would ever feel.
The knowledge that these feelings you express can never come out.
For if they do
a mountain of hatred, judgement and rejection
will crash upon you.
From your family, your friends, the one you shamefully lust about.
The one where you'd go out with in a heart beat no doubt.
And you wish that these vivid scenarios
your mind creates can one day become reality
but you accept your fate that it could never occur.

For your love is forbidden.
It is wrong to love him or her.
And you understand that this isn't Romeo and Juliet
where we sacrifice our lives for a silly little crush.
We just gaze upon their beauty and feel ourselves blush.

Sometimes love being forbidden is better.
As they can sit there
blissfully unaware
that you would do anything to just be with them.

And I find its much better to share a glance
and a smile and maybe even talk once or twice.
And pretend to yourself that they were talking to you
for another reason other than being nice.

Arrogance or Acknowlegment?

Just now, as in maybe five minutes ago, ten by the time this is actually 'published', I realised how good I am at writing. The way I can think of the perfect word to place into my sentence without needing a thesaurus amazes me. When I read back on my work I'm genuinely surprised about how I could write something as brilliant as I had.

Does that make me arrogant? Me acknowledging my talent in writing? Is it truly arrogance for someone to say "You're so good at writing!" to me and for me to reply "Thanks and I know, I didn't know I had it in me"? I'm I actually being arrogant for believing what other people say about my writing and accepting that actually my writing is pretty good at times.

Why is it that we can not accept and acknowledge our strengths without being classed as a cocky so and so.

So what if a boy knows that he can draw?
Okay so this girl knows that she's amazing at acting.
And yes okay that dude keeps saying "I know" if you tell him he's strong.

But does that make them arrogant? Or does it just mean that they acknowledge their strengths?

When a person gives us a compliment and we say something like "I'm really not- but thanks." we're told to accept the compliment and also feel better about ourselves but as soon as we understand that we're great at something it's like "oh ho ho she's a little arrogant."

Arrogance: having an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities
Acknowledgement: acceptance of the truth or existence of something.

There is a difference and people need to understand that. If me being a good write is the truth and I accept that and acknowledge it- I am not arrogant. It's when I begin to see myself as great, too great in fact and give myself a higher status.

Double standards are an issue in practically everything revolving around modern day society and this is one of them.

Understanding and acknowledging your physical, mental or creative strengths does not make you arrogant. Loving yourself and/or your work does not make you arrogant. Exaggerating your ability to create the sense that you're extremely important makes you arrogant.

This has been a P.S.A
-Minoo

The show must go on

LIGHTS
CAMERA
ACT-

Wait, I can't do this..all these people staring at me it's scary.

See no one really sees the downsides of acting- especially in plays. To be honest actors and actresses who perform films have it easy in some ways- if they fuck up it's okay there's another take. If something happens to a performer they can postpone (I mean Sherlock got away with postponing for nearly 3 years). There are such little complications.

Acting on a stage on the other hand- scary as fuck. All the eyes glare at you- waiting for your next line. But it feels like you're prey and they're waiting for you to crack under pressure. The eyes, the empty eyes. Acting isn't easy.

Now I have a performance in May. May 23rd. For my GCSE drama. And the way things are going. We're fucked. One member got put on early study leave (basically excluded) and she was a main character whilst two haven't finished their written work so can't act until they do and the other member who's left. Pain in the fucking arse. To make things worse I have to have a mental breakdown on stage.

Now I'm no stranger to crying and screaming and wanting to just die and leave this pathetic world. I have had plenty of depressing days which sadly can account for that. But pretending is much worse. What if I mess up? What if it's obvious I'm acting? What if it's nothing like a mental breakdown and I end up offending someone?

Acting is scary. Seriously.

-Minoo

Fear

My life is run by fear.
Fear of others
Fear of judgement
Fear of getting hurt

I can never say a word unless I rehearse it a thousand times, making sure no one will find it offensive, making sure it makes sense, making sure that I don't sound like an idiot. It's hard and confusing and annoying. I want to post a status of Facebook but I think- wait what if people judge me for this- what if people laugh at me- what if at school people ask me what I meant- what if it gets too much.

When I want to give an idea in class it takes me 5 minutes before I actually say it. Making sure that my teacher will understand and that it's not a stupid idea. It's like I said in my previous blog post I'm restricted. But this time I'm restricting myself. Not letting myself live.

I want to be able to talk without fear of judgement. I want to be able to post a status on facebook without worrying what people will think. I want people to see my videos and understand more about me as I person but the fear that people will laugh stops me. But to be honest out of all of these I think the biggest fear for me, which stops me doing all of this is

The Fear of Rejection

-Minoo

Restrictions

It's weird to think we can do whatever we want-
I could book a holiday tomorrow
Walk out of class
Kiss a stranger
and everything else

But I don't
Because we're restricted. Whether it's due to family, friends, education or money. We're restricted.
I can't book a holiday tomorrow because I don't have the money and I have exams coming up.
I can't walk out of class because trouble will ensue and just before my exams isn't a good idea.
I can't kiss a stranger due to fear of judgement by my family, friends and the person I kiss. It's weird how we have the world at our finger tips but really we don't.

We all plan but never live- me included. I feel trapped in a sense- bored of this repetitive life but I can't just move away- again restricted.

Imagine a world without them. Where you could run down the streets naked and and sing to your hearts content in public places. Imagine being able to leave class whenever with no fear that consequences will be faced. Imagine just being able to live with no worries. Obviously havoc would arise and it would be nothing but mayhem but that feeling of doing something with no regrets nor worries is a feeling I don't feel enough- and I really should.

So although it's long passed New Years here are some things I will hope to do in the short time I have on planet earth called life (I don't mean I'm going to die tomorrow or something but compared to time spent in wherever after death life on earth is short):

-Finish writing a book
-Visit Spain, America, Australia and Canada (I probably wanna go more in the future but for now those 4)
-Tell someone how I really feel about them- whether that's telling someone I love them, hate them, think that they should change their attitude or whatver.
-Meet Andrew Scott (I have an actual obsession with him)
That's him down there ↓↓↓

Call the press- Minoo put a picture on a blog post

-Meet some of my internet friends
And most importantly
-Feel content with life

-Minoo

-School related title-

The poisonous being of school is masked behind the concept that as teenagers we are moody and dislike anything we're meant to actually be grateful for. This idea that teenagers never get along with parents or teachers and are rebellious human beings, purposely throwing away the things that will help them in life has become such a massive myth that it is no longer seen as one.

You see one youth acting a little wild and in an instant at least five adults which are in a metre radius of this teen will mutter and tsk "teenagers" rolling their eyes as if this one bad person can personify every teenager to ever walk on the earth. In my opinion the government do this on purpose. Many people believe that indoctrination only occurred in Germany from 1929-1939 under Hitler's rule, with students being given questions which subtly hinted the evilness behind Jewish people, or how great Germany is. With women being told that if they have over 4 children they will get a medal (they actually did) and that their goods would be cheaper. But if I'm entirely honest indoctrination is still at work today- but now it's the opposite. Instead of feeding teenagers and children lies about other religious groups and races it's the government feeding lies and making biased newspaper articles presenting teenagers as a rowdy, ungrateful bunch, eliminating our voices and opinions- ruling it off with a simple "Oh you're just stirring trouble." or "What do you know- you're only a teenager- go back to swearing and watching porn."

Now you may be thinking what does this have to do with school?

Well now that this misconception is drilled into peoples brains, genuine complaints about schools is classed off as a 'teenager thing' rather than realising that actually the amount of stress this person is under isn't good for them or this school isn't properly catering to their needs.

I now have 6 weeks left until my first examination- Religious Studies. And the fact is I'm not really stressed. I'm telling myself that stress is unnecessary and instead of worrying about exams I should just revise- but schools put this pressure on you that makes you stress regardless. My Biology teacher has ridiculed us countless times on why we're not stressing as if this is a natural state in the human mind when really it shouldn't be. I shouldn't feel that I need to be stressed- Me not being stressed isn't a sign of arrogance it's me trying to suppress the emotions which will only make my life harder.

Other than that so many teachers are expecting us to decide and know instantly our career paths as if we don't have too much on our hands already. Schools are becoming increasingly harder to survive in and this ridiculous  ideology that teenagers just hate school because they're rebels is stopping us from attempting to decrease the amount of stress and depression these excuses for prison-like buildings hold. I understand and completely acknowledge that this little post of mine will not lead onto some teenage revolution and schools will not improve in a flash.

I neither am naive nor optimistic- I am fully aware only up to 5 people will actually gaze upon these very words not including myself. But if there is one thing I hope to bring out of this little ramble of mine is please, when you reach a certain age or stage of your life where you class yourself as an adult- remember the hardships you had to go through as a teenager and please let us not repeat these ridiculous ideas again to the next generation. If there's one thing we should collectively do- it is not let others fall into this cage of stress as we have been forced into.

-Minoo

Who am I?

Who am I?

What makes up me?

What is my identity?

Is it my name?

My age?

Or where I was born?

The bones I have broken?

Or the muscles I've torn?

Is it my family?

My friends?

Or maybe my enemies?

I don't know what makes me well me.

If people ask me

"Who are you?"

I don't know what to say

My name?

But that's not unique

others have it too, that's not me

My age?

Yeah because the amount of years

I've been alive is that special

My birth town?

Is it really that important?
For I could have lived somewhere else

for much longer

I don't know who I am

I don't know who I'm meant to be

I'm just an unknown girl

with an unknown identity

The answer is unclear

surrounded by mist

I think I can just about see it

To know who I am would be bliss

What?

Everything is me?

I don't understand.

Nothing about me is special

everything about me is not unique

But what if that's it?

What if all the aspects of me alone

are nothing

but together they define me

My curly hair which I refuse to straight

doesn't define my life

but it's part of my identity

My short figure which I can't seem to grow out of

doesn't define me as a whole

but it's included in my identity

I may listen to Fall Out Boy

every day

but many others do

that isn't my identity

It's everything else plastered with it.

The fact I'm a 15 year old girl with curly hair and glasses, with a small figure and a love for pizza, the fact I blog and write stories and enjoy poetry, the fact I love music, especially rock, the games I play, the friends I make, what I wear, the length of my nails, all these things may not define me alone.

But united- they are my identity.

-Minoo

Are you there?

I feel like I'm talking to thin air, do people even come by here anymore? I mean I don't if my views dropping is because of me becoming a boring old shit or maybe no gives two fucks about blogger. And the lack of comments could be from the lack of people coming or it could be the fact that no one has anything to say. But it feels empty, when I blog or read blogs, like I'm the only one, no one else witnessing this.

In some ways it's good, my writing flows as I have no fear that others will read it, in my mind it's only me. But I hope people do come on here, even if it's from time to time, for loneliness is a feeling I've felt too much and the burning hatred I have for being lonely is indescribable. I enjoy being alone, the silence and the comfort of no one else infiltrating my personal space but loneliness is something I never will like- the feeling of having no one scorches my heart and leaves a scar. I'm alone in my room as I type, perhaps being alone isn't that good for me either, for when I'm alone my thoughts become wilder than lions and more frightening than your worst nightmares- literally. For my brain digs deep and scours itself finding the multiple fears I have and combines them. Leaves me petrified. Only when I'm alone. At night I can not sleep for when I shut my eyes the scariest character from the scariest movie I've watched approaches me slowly. And I attempt to keep my eyes open until my mind wavers from this creature but my eyelids can't hold themselves and that face, the deformed, creepy face re-appears. Maybe being alone is worse than being lonely. As I'm safe when I'm lonely. I can be around people and feel lonely. But when alone, that's when things get scary.

So although the thought of being alone and typing away and no one reading this relaxes me it scares me too. For we are never truly alone, so if you're not on my blog, then who is?

-Minoo