2016

Happy New Year!!! It's 2016 and life couldn't feel more like itself. Literally nothing has changed. But it's great to have a fresh new start so I appreciate the sentiment. Unlike most years I've decided to give in to the whole 'New Years Resolution' stuff since there's some stuff I want to do/get better at and what better way to exercise that then by starting to do it in the new year! So here's a little list of my new years resolutions

1) TAKE MORE PICTURES- whether this is a selfie, pictures of my outfits, my meals, the scenery, a cute dog/cat that i see etc. depends on the day and my mood and what fits right but im hoping to take at least one picture a day. I'm very bad at documenting stuff and it'd be nice to have a visual memory of my time in 2016.

2) MAKE MORE JOURNAL POSTS- I bought my first ever proper journal in July of this year and while it started out rocky and I didn't even use it for like a whole month out of fear of ruining it, I've started to get into the swing of doing a page every day or every couple days but I would still forget at times and go over 10 days without even making a tiny journal entry. Since buying it I have done exactly 50 pages of it which is great but hoping to complete so many more. I have yet to do a page a day for a whole month so hoping that happens at some point in 2016.

3) SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS- As a hardcore introvert who is also incredibly anxious when it comes to communicating with people this one might be quite tough but on the whole I've noticed I don't allow myself to have as many plans with friends as I could or even at times when I could spend time with my family I just close myself off. Obviously as an introvert I do need alone time but I think it's time for me to socialise a little more. I mean looking back on 2015 the days that are most memorable to me are those where I went outside and spent time with my friends or the days my friends came over but can't really tell you a specific memory from me sitting at my laptop scrolling through tumblr

4) STUDY HARDER- I will admit I procrastinate quite a lot and whilst I do eventually study, the journey to get to studying is long and tedious. It's always the same every year, I do a lot of revision and studying at the start of the year but by Christmas I'm slacking (this is in reference to school year btw) so this year I'm hoping to me on top of my work right from the start.

and last but not least

5) ENJOY IT-  I complain a lot, which is evident from my blog title, which means that I tend to be quite pessimistic and just generally a pain to be around. I need to learn to let little things go (which I probably won't let's be real) and to overall enjoy my time on the earth.

So there you have it. Haven't really started any of these yet (though it's not even an hour into 2016 so that's fine) and hopefully I won't break them any time soon.

-Minoo

How to be productive/motivated

Like the school tips these will be catered towards myself mostly because despite my amazing memory one key thing I forget is how to look after myself and keep myself motivated to do work. Despite that I'm pretty sure some of these tips will also be helpful to anyone out there who has no idea how to get the energy to start working. 

1) Get out of bed. It sounds so easy but honestly it's incredibly hard. Especially when you're like me and both your laptop and your phone are at reach from your bed because you'll never get out of it then. Even if you get out of bed at 4pm it's better than nothing and it will stop you from having an entire lazy day.

DO NOT BE LURED!!

2) Shower regularly. Again this may sound slightly weird but it's really easy to fall out of the habit of looking after yourself and your hygiene. But even if it's a quick wash it'll help to wake you up. Though make sure your showers aren't too warm as they tend to make people (and by people I mean myself) super sleepy which defeats the aim of the process. Warm showers are great in the evening when you need help winding down but if you need that spur of energy a cold shower would be optimal. 

3) Open your curtains BEFORE you turn on the lights. I mean have a well lit room in general but natural light is always so much better. Not only will you save on electricity but it's just so much more calming? I'm not sure how to word it but basically it's better than just using the lights in your room. Also if you're braver than I am you can open the windows too to let in fresh air. I'm terrified of bugs so I never do but even if its for an hour or so fresh air will do you a ton of good. (Also that way you don't have to leave your house so win/win for us introverts)

4) Drink water/eat fruit. I'm currently doing both as I write this blog post. So much productiveness. But seriously every time you go downstairs for a snack just open your fridge and grab an apple or an orange rather than opting for nutella. Also hydration is a really important thing so always having a water bottle with you or having a cup of water every couple of hours or so is great. If you struggle with remembering stuff like this I'd say go for the water bottle because you'll see it all the time which would be a helpful reminder. Or if you're like me and you find yourself searching for something to eat every 5.2 minutes just grabbing a glass of water every time you're in the kitchen is fine.

Look at how great that looks

5) Have a clean room or at the very least a clean workspace. I'm sure you've heard the phrase 'tidy room, tidy mind' countless times but it's honestly so true. Now before you start with your 'but it's organised mess' or 'I have a system!' I thought I was like that too until I started realising this 'organised mess' did nothing to help me and just shortened the amount of time I could actually study because I could never find what I needed. Although having a tidy room is the best option if you really don't have the time or energy at least clean up your workspace. For example when I sit at my desk, I can't see the rest of the room since my desk is in a corner. That way even if the room behind me is slightly cluttered when I'm studying I don't notice it.

Literally so many 'tidy desk tidy mind' pictures came up
as I tried to find a picture like this

6) Organise your stuff together. That's a really bad starting sentence, let me elaborate. Basically what I'm trying to say is keep all related stuff together, so for example have your books for studying in one place and all your books which are just for leisure in another. That way when you need a certain book you know exactly where to look and you won't get distracted by 'The Hunger Games' trilogy when you really should be finding your biology textbook. This tip also isn't limited to books and studying stuff. For example I recently started a journal so I keep my journal and all the things I usually use with it (so a pen, pencil, coloured pens, ruler etc) all in one place so every time I want to make a journal entry I have everything at hand and I'm not trying to frantically find everything.

I hope these tips helped you getting out of the whole 'I don't know how to get motivated' slump. I'm really enjoying these little posts I make giving people tips so if you have any ideas on other stuff I should give tips on just comment it below.

Until next time-

Minoo x

I've never been good with titles

You know what's really annoying? Yesterday I had a million and one ideas for blog posts buzzing in my mind but no bloody internet connection (Can you seriously imagine me going 24 hours without internet? Neither can I, not sure how I made it alive) but now that my internet connection is back it's like my mind has been erased. As though my brain is a computer and the person on it decided to wipe the history, removing every little detail I deemed necessary just because some inappropriate thoughts might have been floating up there.

Side Note: I hate that about 

erasing history browser on chrome. 

Like you can't just delete your 

cookies or cache from one 

website it always has to be 

'the past hour' or 'the beginning of time'

(Also keeping with the side note theme ayy)

You could argue that I could have written all these ideas down but I'm the type of person that when the moment is gone it's GONE and even if I have the idea written down to the little witty jokes I'd make in my posts I would still not be bothered to post it because the time I felt like I wanted to post that thing is gone and now I'm rambling and nothing makes sense whatsoever ugh.

One thing that is for certain is that I'm feeling depressed and empty and lonely and all those shitty feelings again woop de doo. I remember thinking yesterday (when I had no internet connection) what idea would be more depressing- 1) Getting my internet back and having no messages whatsoever? 2) Getting my internet back and seeing all the messages I do have are from group chats and no one seems to care that I've been offline for the whole day despite being much more active usually. 

I think that says something about me, if all I wonder is how little people think about me, rather than how much. How do I stop feeling lonely? I don't like it. And I've gone to a ton of my friends about this problem already and the more people I tell the more attention seeking I become but that's exactly what I am ATTENTION SEEKING BECAUSE ATTENTION MEANS IM NOT LONELY AHHH

no but for real the first thing i do when i come on blogger is look at my audience and see how many views i've gotten in the past week lmao pls luv me

I have no idea where this is going so I'm going to end it here, I find it weird how my writing style changed so drastically from quite formal to nah bruh. 

Until next time-

Minoo x

Belated Back to School Tips

So I have been back at school (well sixth form) for a week now and I'm sure most people have started school already but I still wanted to make a bunch of tips (especially for people who have productivity issues like myself) to help people to get started with school I guess idk. (Also doing this so I have something to refer to when I feel like I've forgotten how to study yay)

Side note: You've probably heard most

of these tips but nothing wrong with 

emphasis on a couple points right?

1.1) Have some way to organise your work- Whether it's a planner the school gives you or a planner you buy yourself just have one and USE IT! We all think we have great memory and we'll remember the homework even without a planner (and even if that is the case as it has been sometimes with me) you might still forget an important piece of detail that you wouldn't have if you had written it (e.g. you might get a piece of homework for English to write a 500 word essay, without writing it down you might remember the essay part but forget about the 500 word and end up writing too little or too much for your homework.) Jotting down your homework will make sure you have all the little bits of information. 

Another important thing to have in your planner is a due date for your pieces of homework or coursework etc. This way you'll know exactly what piece of homework you should be prioritising, like you don't want to do a piece of homework on Tuesday that's due Friday but then miss out the homework for Wednesday. It's also useful to tick or cross off a homework task that you've completed as you'll know how much you have left to do with a quick glance; it also feels incredibly satisfying to know that you're done with something. If you're struggling with something you could always mark it red so you know what you need help with.

Amazing way to organise

1.2) More organisation tips because there's so many ways to organise wow!! Now you have your planner you need a way to organise the actual content you get. Good investments would either be a folder or notebook for each subject depending on the type of work your teacher gives. If it's a worksheet sort of based subject a folder would be handier to store all your sheets and not lose them whereas if it's more written based and worksheets are rare a notebook would be a smarter investment. You'll probably find that you will not invest solely on folders or notebooks and it might actually be a bit of both. There is also a chance your school will provide you with some of this stuff (for example we are given folders for each subject in my sixth form). However you decide to organise your work is up to you but try and keep everything in one place and have each subject in a separate notebook/folder. Last year I had one massive folder for all four of my subjects and by the end of the year it was just a mess and I would not recommend it at all.

2) This one may be a little late if you've already started but make sure you have all the essential stationery before the school year begins. A good thing to do is look through your current pencil case and jot down everything you don't have that you need so when you go out shopping for school you know exactly what to get. Also remember to get any stationery which is specific for the subject you are doing. (e.g. a compass for maths) The brand you get doesn't matter just buy stuff which is good enough (basically don't be silly like me and buy expensive stationery because it's prettier and then wonder why you don't have enough money for food). Just because studyblrs (which honestly make me less productive because I'm too busy staring at the amazing notes) have really cool stationery doesn't mean you need it. As long as it works you'll be fine.

Ah the art of feeling productive without doing any work

3) Try to ask for help- The reason the word try is there is because I know that not everyone feels comfortable asking for help (I am one of those) but if you're struggling with something you won't magically get better if you don't reach out. If you really feel uncomfortable asking help from a teacher try a friend who does well in that subject first and see if they can help you understand it. If that doesn't work and getting help from the teacher is the only way you can get past it just try to ask for help. I promise you that they don't think you're stupid for not understanding something and that they're happy to give a hand. (I say this but watch when on Monday I'm struggling and I refuse to ask the teacher for help lmao) Also if you don't like asking for help face to face, see if you can email your teacher as that might help you feel less anxious about it.

4) Break up your work- Having tons of work to do can be overwhelming and put you off doing any work whatsoever so break up the work you need to do into little tasks to help you get through it. Not only will it take off a massive load as you no longer feel bombarded but it'll just feel easier and quicker to do. In the example of having an essay rather than looking at it like that split it up into

• Planning 
• Writing the introduction
• Making your three main points (Or however many you're asked to do)
• Start elaborating on these points with evidence to support them
• Keep switching between the last two points until all the points you have made have been explained in depth
• Write a conclusion

If the essay is typed you could even start off in notes and change it into prose once you know the direction you're going in. 

With a project you could split up each topic that you're going to research and write about for the day and slowly bring it together rather than feeling like you have to do it all at once.

5) Avoid the internet as much as possible- You say that you're only going online for a small break but trust me next thing you know it's 11pm and you're either on the depths of tumblr or searching weird videos on youtube. Unless you need it for studying you should avoid it and even then leave the subject that needs the online work to last so you can at least get through some other stuff before. I know that sometimes you might come home from school and you're way too tired to get started and you need a bit of rest before you do but the internet is a no go. Instead try and do something that doesn't involve the internet whether it's to read, draw, spend time with some family members etc. to rest so that you're not distracted. Personally I've found that when I do something like read when I get home I end up being much more productive than if the first thing I do is turn on my laptop.

Don't touch until you do some work

I'm sure there's more tips I could give you but honestly I'm incredibly tired and one tip would have been to sleep early which I'm currently not doing so I'll just end it here. I mean five well developed tips (technically six because the split in 1) is pretty good right. Anyway I hoped this helped in anyway.

-Minoo

(p.s. I'm so close to 200 posts wow. Actually that's not that much considering I've had this blog for about 3 years)

 

Seventeen

It is currently 00:28 on Tuesday 12th May 2015 which means I am 17. Or maybe just about to be 17 idk what time i was born. The important thing is it's that it's my birthday but I feel kinda empty this year.

You see I've had my fair share of shitty birthdays. I even made a post about a couple of them which you can go to if you click here. Aside from just shitty birthday parties I've also had plenty of times where most of my friends forgot it was my birthday and I think due to that I've become more forward about when my birthdays are subconsciously. Like I made references to my birthday so much yesterday, mentioning how it's my birthday tomorrow every two seconds. Though I knew I was doing it it wasn't on purpose I just think that perhaps everyone always forgetting makes me want to emphasise it more so people stop forgetting.

It's only been half an hour into my birthday but I expected to have at least one random message to pop up at 12am like 'happy birthday, bet im the first one to say it' or something like that, i guess i wished too hard and thought people cared enough to do that. I also made a post about it on tumblr, I didn't expect much, despite having a decent amount of followers only a couple genuinely interact with me but i thought i'd have a like or two on the post or a little reply saying 'happy birthday' but so far nothing.

It's really quiet, far too quiet and I'm getting those 4am feelings again. They always creep up on you when you least expect it. I hope I don't go through my birthday feeling miserable. It would suck to finally have a year where I have no exams, or stresses on my birthday and people actually remembering it (because I reminded them thoroughly about it yesterday) but to go through to the day feeling like shit because of my unpredictable mind.

I want to stop feeling empty before my feet find their way downstairs and my hands creep into the bread bin and fill my mouth with chocolate and sweets until i feel physically sick but i think that's the only way to make the empty feeling go away. I love how this started about birthdays and turned into my mental state. My brain is just so obsessed with itself god.

Seventeen's a pretty shitty age anyway. It's just that boring gap between 16 and 18 that no one likes. Being 16 was fun. I did quite a lot in that time.

• I started and finished all my GCSE's
• I started sixth form (college)
• I went to Manchester to meet an internet friend
• I made many new friends through sixth form
• I went to my first ever party
• among many other cool things

I mean I have some pretty fun things coming up soon which I guess will be done at the age of 17 such as

• I'm going to see Jack and Dean live
• I'm going camping with my friends
• My friends and I are having a joint may birthday party of sorts since like 5 of us are born in may
• I will be visiting universities (which is scary as fuck so maybe not a fun one)
• Also fun summer stuff with friends like going to each others houses, days out with each other. etc

I feel a little better now. 

-Minoo

Stardust (It's similar to my last post I know)

This is another poem- although it sounds the same as my last poem/song it's really not.


You may see me
and think I am merely a woman
but I'm made of stardust and gold
glittering the sky with my
beauty.

My hair,
the waves of
an ocean capable
to drown
plenty.

My skin,
the silky material
of a wedding
dress.

My nails,
are those of a beast,
claws ready to
pierce.

My eyes,
baubles of chocolate




EDIT- so didn't even get to the end of the poem woops. Oh well I'll keep it like this. Sort of like the abrupt ending.

Starlight

One of the youtubers I really love and look up to is DoddleOddle, who recently uploaded an original song called "She"

Now I'd say this song practically sums up a crush I have now, but it also inspired me to write my own song? So this is my song 'Starlight' which is about my crush on this girl I have.

It hurts

to fall in love

with someone you can't have

'Cause you

have to say bye

when they don't like you back

It's even

harder when

you never had a chance

'Cause she's like

Starlight

so bright

she lights up the room

Whilst I'm dull

not interesting at all

just the epitome

of doom

And people say

that opposites attract

but that's not the case

'cause she's too bright for me

And people say

that opposites attract

but I know that's not a fact

because I'm too dull to be seen

'Cause she's like

Starlight

so bright

the centre of the universe

Whilst I'm dull

not interesting at all

and I thought

this couldn't get worse

But she has admirers falling to her feet

they fall in love with her as soon as they meet

She has so much choice why would I be the one?

I'm not pretty, not witty and I'm not fun.

'Cause she's like

Starlight

so bright

I think I could go blind

Whilst I'm dull

not interesting at all

too scared, too shy

too hard to find

It's hard

to fall in love

with someone you can't have

It's harder

when you

never even had a chance

Anger.

You may or may not know that for extra curricular classes at my Sixth Form I do creative writing. This week was our first week and what we were told to do was to describe an emotion as if it existed as an object or a person.

I decided to do it based on anger since it's an emotion I feel on a regular basis, and our work in class then inspired me to write a poem based on anger.

Just a word of warning: there is some mention of self harm so if you're uncomfortable or triggered by it then I would advise you not to read onwards.

It starts from the pit of your heart

and spreads to your finger tip and toes

Almost impossible to suppress this emotion

no matter how hard you try,

it always overflows.

I feel so strong yet

simultaneously

weak.

Power surges through me as I feel like I could 

Destroy anyone who comes in my way

but I feel so weak

I am not

powerful

enough to dissolve the anger

and it always results in

me hurting someone

mainly myself.

I hope one day comes

where I can stop this ever growing

tumour of anger

without my fists colliding with my skin

leaving an assortment of marks.

But I do not know

how many more bruises

how many more clusters of purples, blues and reds

will be plastered onto my flesh

before I can finally stop

harming myself.

Another set of incoherent thoughts from early hours of the morning

I'm listening to music as I type this so this might come out all fucked up so apologies in advance.

I'm writing a story/book thing. It's basically what I do here. It's a collection of thoughts and rambles and analysing norms but it's a character writing them. I guess in a way I am the character as all the thoughts in this story are my own in some form or another but at the same time it's a fictional character in terms of what happens to them.

Like we have the exact same thoughts but they think these things in relation to events that occur to them which haven't occurred in my life.

I'm contemplating whether to stop playing the music whilst typing but honestly this is fun and is helping me to multi-task.

RANDOM FACT BC OF THE SONG I'M LISTENING TO: THEY WHISPER 'JOE TROHMAN IS LAME' IN DANCE DANCE.

Another random fact: I feel like I've put this in a post before- feeling a ton of deja vu or however you spell that shit. Well I'm about to correct it bc it has the red squiggly line under it.

I AM NOT EVEN IN THE RAMBLING PART I WANT TO BE.

Okay- so basically, recently I have become increasingly worried about my mental health and if I have any mental disorders. The way I've been acting/reacting to several things have struck me as 'abnormal' but I don't know what to do. I have researched as much as I could myself to have some idea of what I may have (may not- could be just going through some rough patch or whatever) but I don't know where to go from here.

I've talked to my mum about the fact I fear my mental health and I want to see a therapist but she
1) makes me talk to her about it which helps, kinda but then she just says im overreacting and stuff and I don't think I am and I need a professionals opinion on this?
2) thinks that I only want to see a therapist because I'm into psychotherapy. Which is kinda true, I mean if I were to ever get therapy there's no harm in  asking how to become a therapist right?

ANYWAY idk how to persuade her to let me go and see a therapist. She knows that I //self-harm// i use that liberally as I do not believe I self-harm despite the fact it's evident I do. It's complicated and I don't want to go into it tbh. As I was saying

She knows I //self-harm// but she says that this is due to my 'anger issues' and not in regards to any form of mental illness/disorders. Now this may be true- I've always been one to get angry quickly and I'd be lying if I didn't say I had no anger issues whatsoever but the fact when I'm angry I inflict pain on myself instead of inanimate objects/ and I do not feel content/comfortable until I have inflicted pain onto myself says something about my mental state right???

Idk if it's because I'm becoming more self aware but I feel like the more I think about this the more my brain tells me that I'm overreacting/being silly and seeking attention despite the fact I have never deliberately told many people this? Well apart from right now but this is more me rambling onto my 'online diary' rather than informing everyone.

Idk my brain's fucked up in some way- I'm like 99% sure of it, I'm just not sure HOW.

How to make Minoo cry

This may seem weird but I've noticed certain things make me cry very hard so here's a list of them in case you want to see some tears on my cheeks.

• Gallavich. Just Gallavich. (Mickey Milkovich+ Ian Gallagher) just their whole relationship and everything. It makes me cry like a baby
• What a Catch Donnie by Fall Out Boy. Listening to it right now and quietly sobbing. Just play it whenever I'm around and watch me descend into a bumbling mess
• Fanfiction. It could be happy or sad fanfiction but 99.9% I will cry reading it
• Well written TV shows. Like Shameless or In The Flesh. Both made me cry pretty quickly.
• Annoying games. Like fuck they will make me cry so much.

That's really all I can think of which is light hearted and won't dip into the really depressing stuff that make me cry you know.

On a happy note (apart from the annoying games because fuck them) everything on that list makes me happy too yay.

• I mean Gallavich just fills me with joy when they have happy scenes and Mickey is my hero because just after he comes out he becomes so much more confident with his sexuality so quickly and I aspire to be that confident with my sexuality one day but first lets make sure my family aren't gonna fucking reject me for not being straight hahahahahahaha fuck
• What a Catch Donnie is like one of my favourite songs and makes me sad because nostalgia and shit you know
• Fanfiction is so well written it makes me light up and I wouldn't read it if it really made me that sad
• Well written TV shows (with well written queer characters) are the reason I smile because fuck we need so many to make up for all these straight white dudes on my screen.
• No annoying games just suck. I guess completing them makes me happy yeye

Okay I have no idea why I wrote this but I did so enjoy it.

Unrelated note: Listening to Build God then we'll talk by P!ATD and wanting to thank Nom for introducing me to it when we talked about panic like last year because it's a fab song thank you Nom ur gr8.