You see I've had my fair share of shitty birthdays. I even made a post about a couple of them which you can go to if you click here. Aside from just shitty birthday parties I've also had plenty of times where most of my friends forgot it was my birthday and I think due to that I've become more forward about when my birthdays are subconsciously. Like I made references to my birthday so much yesterday, mentioning how it's my birthday tomorrow every two seconds. Though I knew I was doing it it wasn't on purpose I just think that perhaps everyone always forgetting makes me want to emphasise it more so people stop forgetting.
It's only been half an hour into my birthday but I expected to have at least one random message to pop up at 12am like 'happy birthday, bet im the first one to say it' or something like that, i guess i wished too hard and thought people cared enough to do that. I also made a post about it on tumblr, I didn't expect much, despite having a decent amount of followers only a couple genuinely interact with me but i thought i'd have a like or two on the post or a little reply saying 'happy birthday' but so far nothing.
It's really quiet, far too quiet and I'm getting those 4am feelings again. They always creep up on you when you least expect it. I hope I don't go through my birthday feeling miserable. It would suck to finally have a year where I have no exams, or stresses on my birthday and people actually remembering it (because I reminded them thoroughly about it yesterday) but to go through to the day feeling like shit because of my unpredictable mind.
I want to stop feeling empty before my feet find their way downstairs and my hands creep into the bread bin and fill my mouth with chocolate and sweets until i feel physically sick but i think that's the only way to make the empty feeling go away. I love how this started about birthdays and turned into my mental state. My brain is just so obsessed with itself god.
Seventeen's a pretty shitty age anyway. It's just that boring gap between 16 and 18 that no one likes. Being 16 was fun. I did quite a lot in that time.
- I started and finished all my GCSE's
- I started sixth form (college)
- I went to Manchester to meet an internet friend
- I made many new friends through sixth form
- I went to my first ever party
- among many other cool things
I mean I have some pretty fun things coming up soon which I guess will be done at the age of 17 such as
- I'm going to see Jack and Dean live
- I'm going camping with my friends
- My friends and I are having a joint may birthday party of sorts since like 5 of us are born in may
- I will be visiting universities (which is scary as fuck so maybe not a fun one)
- Also fun summer stuff with friends like going to each others houses, days out with each other. etc
I feel a little better now.
-Minoo
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