These past few days I've been feeling..depressed. But more than that. I feel worthless, lonely, and like no one cares. I feel like no body gives a fuck about me and I'm all alone in the world. And I'm scared. I'm so so scared because a few nights ago I was so close to self harming I..
I'm scared one day this feeling will hurt so much that I will. These thoughts mainly creep in at night, when everyone's asleep and I have no one to talk to which makes it worse because no one can comfort me and tell me they care. A voice in my head keeps telling me no one does and sometimes I don't believe it but sometimes I do.
This feeling started on Wednesday night. I was just thinking about school and I had a realisation that when I think about it I don't actually have many friends in school but I talk to a lot of people. I'm fine with the not having many friends bit but I wanted to know why I talk to a lot of people when we're not friends. That's when it hit me. Most of the time when people talk to me they need help with homework, general advice or I have food.
I feel so used and so hurt. I thought they were my friends but they were using me to get out of trouble and when I need help, when I'm the person who needs the advice. When I need a shoulder to cry on the just carry on with their own lives and act like I'm not there. I had one friend. But she stopped talking to me. We're still friends, kind of, but she said she wanted to be independent or something like that. But ever since she stopped hanging out with me I felt less and less happy.
She understood me. She understood that I found it hard to speak up because she did too. She understood how it felt to be short. She understood how addicted I am to the internet. We were literally like twins. No one else at school understands. I have to spend 30 hours of my life there a week and I can hardly speak.
If I mention Doctor Who, Sherlock, Supernatural or Youtubers people tell me to shut up. And I have nothing else to talk about. They don't tell the girl who's obsessed with one direction to shut up. They don't tell the girl who's obsessed with Lipsy to shut up. They don't tell the girl who's obsessed with Justin Bieber to shut up. But for some reason whenever I want to talk about something I like people tell me to shut up.
So no one will let me fangirl and no one listens to my rants and no one cares. So that's why I started youtube. But instead of people subscribing people keep unsubcribing and I feel so upset because I try so hard to make those videos good, I could have left them all at a crappy quality. Ok I don't have the best editing software and camera but with these resources I try and make the best thing I can and people still don't like it.
I just feel crap at everything. I'm crap at English, I'm crap at Maths, I'm crap at Science, I'm crap at Religious, I'm crap at acting, I'm crap at drawing, I'm crap at writing. I SUCK AT EVERYTHING.
The only things I'm good at are crying, fangirling and hating myself.
Crying and hating myself are both bad so that's not a good thing to be good at and no one wants to hear my fangirling. Plus these won't get me money or a job in the future. I could disappear for a month and still no one will care. I'm no one special. I'm not funny, I'm not pretty. I'm just plain shit.
If anyone does miss me all they'll miss is having that person to copy the maths homework from. They won't care about me. They'll just care about themselves.
But you know the worst thing. If I told anyone they wouldn't believe me. You see this has probably been the lowest I've felt but I have felt really sad before but I've never wanted anyone to find out so I always act so happy. I've act so happy people probably think I never get upset. So I can't even tell anyone, even if I wanted to, because they wouldn't believe me.
I've told one person though. My best friend. She doesn't come to my school though so I only get to talk to her a bit. She's helped so far but she sleeps early at night and that's when the thoughts kick in so she can't help me then. I just don't know what to do.
Oh...
ReplyDeleteI suck at advice, but what I will say is this: Go somewhere and just release all your anger. Go up to someone who's been "blocking you out" lately and just let all your anger out. Even if this gets you in trouble, everyone needs to know how you feel. Make sure people know this is going on. If you can't, there are alternatives to self-harm. Drawing, painting, throwing darts, etc.
Just, please. Ignore everything I've said above.
Misha, I don't know why some people don't like your videos but me AND your best friends on the forum ♥ them.
ReplyDeleteThey show what you think about life (parents). They are actually really inspiring.
You and Redwing both inspired me to make a blog btw. You inspired me to is because you're like my own role model. You're a sweet, pretty, smart, funny, lovable, nicest girl I have EVER met, Misha. You out of all the people I know, you're one of them!
I suck at school, you're not alone. But really, be thankful that your smart. Some kids (like me) can fail and repeat grades. They can't focus and have a hard life added, but you Misha, you're smart. And you work hard too! Don't forget that.
Those people don't know who they're dealing with. Whenever someone says that again, speak up! Tell them, "No, YOU shut up. You can't tell me what to do. You can't make me do anything. So, listen up because you can't stop me b****." Well, you don't have to say that but like that.
You can always tell your mom or dad what your going through. They care Misha. EVERYONE cares! Even me. :D
If you ever feel lonely, talk to me if you want. As you know, I went through depression. But you and others helped me through! So, we're here for you too Misha.
Dayum, I need to start an advice blog or something. Where everyone can just post whenever they have a problem and I can answer them. I already had to comfort 2 people today online.
ReplyDeleteSo hm....let's see.
--------------------------------------------------
Misha, here's the thing with your post.
When you typed all of this, you weren't looking at the BIG PICTURE.
When you typed this, you were only looking at small pieces, only the bad stuff in your life. You believe this world is so small, and that's why you think no one cares. Because the groups of people you interact with everyday don't SEEM to care, so you believe no one does.
But THIS is the reason for your depression! To make yourself happier, you need to look at the brighter side, and that's what I'll help you do.
Firstly, this world has over 7 billion people. I live in frickin NEW YORK CITY. Thousands of miles away from you.
Yet I KNOW YOU. I know your story. I know what you like and what you don't. I know your appearence, and your personality. I even know a little about your family.
This is my point. This world is a lot larger than you think, and when you never expect, someone you chatted with for 10 minutes that other day is probably thinking about you. All the people you've met online, they KNOW YOU.
And it's a big world...maybe high school sucks, but you have a big bright future ahead of you!
I have sucky friends, let me admit it. They are faulty, mean, and obnoxious.
But I swallow it up, and remind myself that I'm a lot stronger than them.
Dayum, I have a BRITISH friend! Who can talk to me whenever I want...
AND VICE VERSA!
Misha, whenever you say people don't care and that you're all alone, you're dead wrong.
Sometimes when I'm in school I'll be in history class and I'll think about you.
How light-hearted you are, sweet and enthusiastic.
Sometimes the world really does beat you down. But you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the saddle.
Don't EVER for a second think you're alone. Because I'm here. The forum is here.
Think about all the people on Tumblr you've impacted. Or with your blog. Or the forum. Youtube is tricky...it's hard to gain subscribers unless you have high-quality videos, and advertisers. That's what gains videos.
But that costs money.
And you need TIME. You need a full youtube-like JOB.
Meaning you need to be older to be proffessional. You're only 15. Don't take vlogging too seriously, because trust me, I listen to you.
About people using you-- Misha, I've felt like that too, and it happens to the best of us. I can't even tell you all the times I've felt betrayed and used.
ReplyDeleteIt's just about knowing how to say no.
Everytime I've fought with a friend, I've felt betrayed. Like remember that girl I fought with for 10 months? SHe USED me the whole time. To gain experience and knowledge, and when the time came, she dumped me for everything she thought I was worth. Didn't give a fucking shit about our friendship.
But I got over it! ANd you can too!
And you know what? YOU KNOW DAMN WHAT?
I come from a family where instrumental music is EXTINCT. I am the only person in all generations to play the piano.
Everytime I start playing, someone has to yell at me.
But you know what? I KEEP PLAYING.
I rant about American Idol a lot too. And NO, Don't think for a SECOND that I do it because everyone else does.
When I fangirl, people give me looks.
SO I TALK EVEN DAMN LOUDER.
DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU and your interests! You know who you really are!!!!!
First, you can always rant and fangirl on the internet. That's FO SHO.
But you are free! Fangirl as much as you want, CUZ GIRL, IT AIN'T ILLEGAL!
AND YOU ARE NOT CRAP AT ANYTHING. NUh-UH.
You are a very strong person inside.
You are good at so many things...it just takes more strength to see them. Trust me.
And listen to me.
I believe every damn word you just said.
Because I went through it too.
But I wanted to KILL MYSELF. JUST DIE.
It will come and go more than once.
BUT YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THESE STUPID BITCHES YOU ARE WITH.
One day, you'll own the hospital you used to mop the floors for. (That's a metaphor)
Those people at school have never seen the REAL Misha, have they?
ReplyDeleteThe Misha I know isn't one to just be pushed around or back-off fangirling.
She's a British girl who's knowledgable and sweet.
That's what I love about the Internet. You can just be yourself without actually talking in public. Your words are all written down but whenever you write, you voice yourself... Which gives a personality.
I mean, it's normal to have these depressing thoughts. Even I have them sometimes. I just stay strong but there's just a few days where I just start thinking and get all depressed... and that's okay. One of my favorite quoes is "People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long. (Johnny Depp)" If you feel like crying, do it, then release your feelings and talk it out with people you love and trust-- whether it be forum friends, parents, best friends, or whomever.
Those girls don't know you and they never will unless they are willing to stop being so full of themselves. But sometimes... finding 1 true friend is better than having 100 fake friends. You still have a whole life ahead of you as well. There will many more opportunites in your life to meet people and become friends. Who knows? Maybe someday you'll become a popular YouTuber and you'll be meeting people around the world and having tons of friends! It's okay to not have many friends. Sometimes, I'm still the lonely duck. :x
I'm always talking about my friends and how I love them, right? People get the wrong idea about me when they hear my stories. They have no idea how much lonliness I had to suffer in order to get people to like me for who I am. All of elementary, I was just the "shy, smart, Asian girl." I mean, I switched schools and had to start new school when I was only in 3rd grade... but as years went by, I finally gained more confidence. Then in 6th grade I had to leave again. I had to REBUILD that confidence. I had to REBUILD my reputation. 6th grade friends are no longer my friends (except maybe 2-3). In 7th grade, I was with a group which I now hate. 8th grade I finally met a group of amazing people who are my friends. 9th grade I build my relationship with this group of people. IT TOOK ME 9 YEARS WITH 2 START-OVERS TO FIND FRIENDS. I can't say that all of them are perfect (for sure) but they are just a group of people I can be myself with. I can fangirl all I want and they can fangirl/boy all they want and we are all okay with that.
Someday, you will find people in real life whom you can just talk about anything to. Who you can be the Misha I KNOW around and just be able to be free. I know it will happen someday if you keep your eyes open. Everyone has different interests and you just need to find people who can respect that. There's always one thing in common that brings people together. The more they have, the better. (Find a bunch of cool fangirls. Then you are set... When I mean cool... I mean unique [not just JB and 1D])
We all know how it feels to be used. Happens everyday in life. They acknowledge you but not what you want... They try to take more and more. It's hard to stop because you don't want to be a jerk but if you feel like you have to, just stand up for yourself. It will all end soon...
(I exceeded the text limit...)
Delete~~~~
Nobody is perfect. Just remember that. If you are good at fangirling, fangirl on! I used to be self-concious about my fangirling but I do it a lot now... and with pride. If I love something, I show it with pride... whether it be JacksGap, Tobuscus, America's Got Talent, ThePianoGuys, anime, MMORPG's, Japanese songs, music, or the countless other things I love. I love them for a reason and there's no reason it should be put to shame. If people shut you up about Doctor Who, just go to anything else you can fangirl about. You'll find someone who's interested in your fangirling.
Depressing days just suck... But I'm really glad you are using your blog to help.... If it helps you, then I'm happy. :)
Just endure... DON'T KEEP CALM AND JUST BE MISHA. ♥